Void of Confusion

The maturity of time.

2010-06-20T03:54:00.003+02:00

People change. Everyone does - - all the time.

It's part of a normal process, a slow evolution as time passes by, moments come and go. As the butterfly spurs out from its larvae and flaps its wings for the first time - - so do we with small baby steps. We get up from the floor and learn to walk, talk, eat and sleep on our own. The difference is we get to think; to act based solely on rationale, to control our instincts; or ignore them as we see fit.

As the ignorant species we have become we think this is all good, superior; the better end of all living things. In ourselves we entrust the power to suppress all other living beings - - including our own. Our search for power is so darkly rooted in the soul of our ancestors that in the darkest period of our time we killed more people than were born. All the while calling it justice.

It's not about one individual making a change, its about whole segments of people blindly following a thread, never questioning its cause or standing up and fighting. No one asks anyone to go the distance alone, all that is asked is to be true to yourself, to not fall subject to society rather than own opinions.

This has never been more real than today. Today we get up and find ourselves standing in the middle of two Facebook pages, 14 Twitter updates, 20 tv channels, 4 million paper ads and 3 billion people pushing in different directions every day. And on top of that governments around the world feel we need to store all this information, on a misguided chance that it might lead to prosecutions of more "criminals". But what is more criminal than a democracy that is all about cohesion and not the rights of the people. How can one person make a change when your task is to fight against the opinion of a Facebook group of 20 million people.

How do we stay true to ourselves and realize that it is not the clothes we wear, the things we are born to be or the sex we have grown into that makes us who we are. It's the individual inside, each and everyone thinks for themselves. Why not use our thoughts as it is and abandon the search for something to follow. All religion is all about gaining followers, it's never about true belief. True belief of something stems from own experiences, not a written text. The flying spaghetti monster is as real as the divine trinity. If you tell a child to fly, he will fly. If you tell a priest the same, he will tell you only God can. Everyone can fly, its all about the willingness to try.

Follow yourself, your own thoughts, make yourself real.

Why is it that most people find it easier to follow an unproven truth based on vague descriptions and argue its validity over solid proof of its falseness?

Why is it that so many choose to believe that all women likes horses, plays with dolls and is all about feelings and never driven by sex, while men likes cars, action figures and are born to be tough soldiers with one thing on their minds?

Yes, it's in our instincts and all the scientist in the world agrees they have found brain patterns that support this, but they all neglect to include the fact that it all has to do with enticement. If you put boys in an environment where you are punished for crying; or told that playing with dolls is against the grain, against nature - - almost like a sin. They are bound to be pushed into one direction; society's direction - - only given one option.

All this will only lead to one thing; a misguided individual who will act upon this law until a painful realization comes to mind or death comes first.

A whole breed of shrinks have spent their lives trying to find out how bullying can be prevented. Instead of focusing on the real problem; changing limitation of choices, they are using countless hours of forced treatment on already lost cases.

For our society to mature, to go forward, rather than staying put or going backwards we have to let up on old meanings of how a person should be, on how a man / woman are. Give our child a chance to find himself / herself on their own, let them choose what they want to play with.

Don't stigmatize based on your opinions and cohere them into believing it as absolute truths.

Let ourselves win over old ideals, let us forget truths written in stone and rethink our world based on knowledge.

Turn off the TV, turn off the Internet and walk around in your own mind. See the world as it is, as it has become. Make a choice to acknowledge the fact that an individual is subject of its childhood and tell them everyday what they are today and not what they have been or could have been.

People change all the time, they just seldom realize it themselves. Encourage their own opinions and agree to disagree, rather than disagree to agree. Give everyone a new chance and always leave open the possibility that someone you got to know 5 years ago is different today. Just as you have evolved.

An old classmate might have been a jerk or someone you never got to know 10 years ago, but always give them a chance to show their inner self as they are now. Update your status quo, listen to their story and relearn your view of them, or they will never do the same with you.

Never forget that we all change at different paces. That the maturity of time goes at a steady pace and encompasses us all, young or old, white or black, man or woman.

Learn to fly on broken wings, and you will see that they are no longer broken.

Decayed, disillusional scrutiny.

2006-10-30T18:33:00.000+01:00

A touch of ....

A touch of passion
...glowing through your hands,
warm, tender hands, stroking my hair.

Inconsistant muttering
...from crowded bystanders,
cold, jealous, penetrating laughter.

A truthful touch
...sneering through my mind,
emptiness, invisibility, no one there.

Acknowledgement
...finding its path,
denial,ignorance, entering its prime.

Survival
...the only chance,
nakedness, shivering, no shelter to find.

Mindless
...jumping to conclusions,
foolishly, frightening, keeping away!

Dirty
...within lies hope,
darkness, tranquility, six feet under.

Speilvåt sjelesynd.

Gående langs midjen av en uttørket ørken,
tenkende, strevende, blodtørstig.

Luftspeilingens håp stiger fra horisonten,
kallende, utstrekkende, falsk.

Vandrende langs midjen av en usynlig vei,
søkende, håpende, hengende i en tynn tråd.

Innsiden er varm, åpen og herlig,
usynlig for de fryktløse, inkluderende for de
sjanseløse.

Håpefull, stirrende, apatisk...misunnelig.
Egoistisk i sitt eget hode, gavmild, naiv og
ettertraktet av omverdenen.

Innlysende fakta - oppslukt av endeløs fornektelse,
utdeling av godene, sprengt mot muren - laget av
tårevåt fortapelse.

I sinnets indre hersker krigen,
krigens kjerne, en ensom sjel på vandring,
uten mål, i mordors indre.

Seier er umulig, remis det eneste alternativ,
sjelen evig fortapt, i våt aske.

-Øyvind.

Poetry for a weakened society.

2006-09-30T00:27:00.000+02:00

21 years,
21 tears and 21 fears
my life is about to start,
yet it feels like the end.

Where were you my friend
when I was on the ground bleeding.
what happened to you when I opened up my heart
was it too much?
did I scare you away?

Or was it all a dream
Were you just my imagination?

21 years,
21 tears and 21 fears
I’m lying on the ground
waiting for my blood to run cold
my life has been sold; to the highest bidder
and death won.

(btw, the poem is a year old).

Here comes another one (its in Norwegian though, hard to translate poems)

Selvrefleksjon.

Et smil
rundt hvert hjørne
en tåre
aldri å se

Aldri
sur eller sint
alltid
glad og blid

Men
på innsiden er du kald men
samtidig i fyr og flamme
som en vulkan

Åpne
døren og slipp deg fri
la tankene fare
sinnet bevare

Fjern
din indre byrde
og smil på innsiden
også.

Legg
vekk stridsøksen
la deg selv
vinne

Hør
på hva jeg sier
for jeg er
deg.

Ditt
eget speilbilde.

-Øyvind

Another block in the code...

2006-09-15T03:10:00.000+02:00

A new day, a new horizon is rising, I'm standing on top of the water looking forward into the hollow point where the bright shining ripples in the ocean meets the overwhelming sky. I'm floating completely still - frozen in time. At the same time there is a whole lot of commotion around me, people running all around, doing errands, talking, laughing - being alive. But to me, they are just fragments of time, shattered all around, like a photograph of a car speeding 200 miles an hour - the only thing visible is bright skid marks of light and color.

This is how my life feels right now, my mind is encapsulated inside itself, thinking, dreaming - being so close to something big, yet unattainable. Everything happens so fast, the impressions doesn't have time to sink in, just floating around trying to hold on - my semantic antennas are offline. That was until now, everything is coming to me, while I'm suspended in time, you could have screamed my name all you want, and I wouldn't have noticed it.

I'm overwhelmed by my own thoughts, I'm right here, at the perfect place, I'm at the top of my game, its almost as I can see the future, but not grasp it - just look, no touching. I know I will get there in time, patience is the key, but patience is a word that don't exist anymore - its lost in my need, my drive to complete my goal. I want it now.

The question is, how do you reprogram your own mind to forget everything you know is going to happen in 1, 2,3..etc.. years. How do you not care, and continue your life as before, if you suddenly knew for sure you would win the lottery, or something as big, in two years?

This is how I feel right now, I made the perfect choice, the study place, the apartment I moved into, friends I've made. Its all perfect. But nothing and nobody is perfect, thats the only true statement we can say for sure, but why do this feel so much like it, if its all fake?
I'm so close to success, yet its atleast three more years to go, can I fail anyways? Is it my fault the fact that I feel like I don't have to worry about anything, that everything will go along smoothly without trouble? Am I turning blind through my own self-righteous mind?

These questions keep going around in circles in my head, I'm too used to having something absolutely wrong in my life, having a goal to break out of the vicious circle I was living in. But now as I'm so close to finally breaking free, to finally being me, and not a copycat or trapped inside something else. I'm actually too afraid to acknowledge this fact, that I'm starting to force myself into failure, just to get back into familiar parts.

My goals have always been, to have success by making use of my intellect - to creatively use my abilities to create something new, productive to our society. Of course this will be of commercial use, but I don't want to become a mediaperson, I know by myself I won't cope with it. But at the same time, I'm always striving to be perfect, anything less doesn't matter. Everything below my prestated evaluation of my potential will be a failure. If I think I can make 1 million in a month and make only 900 000 USD, its a failure. If I think I can get an A on a study project and end up with a B+, I might as well have gotten an E, because I failed myself anyway.

Is this the pivotal point that is going to make me fail and kill my self-esteem?

In many ways I live my life like a programmer, striving to always get my code perfect. The most efficient and best way possible, so my output makes everyone go "WOW". How do you code the perfect code in life?
What language does the brain speak?

The answer in my mind will be - none, our brain is universal, just a tool. We can all be whatever we want to be, but our own inner ambition is actually making us fail ourselves, by doubting our abilities and not imagineing the unthinkable. But there is always some rarities, that is created different, that is able to make the jump. That have so much belief in themselves and their projects, that anything other than success is unthinkable, failure is not an option.
"Cars WILL be the number one transport vehicle", "Computers ARE the future".

The majority is always wrong, and you are always right.

This leads onto the familiar pitch of dating, the never-ending story of getting someone to respect you, to love you, to rise you up and give you a boost to fulfill your dreams. Our physical and mental construction are made for intimacy, without it we are slowly petrifying, decaying - turning into a vegetable. But how do one make this happen?

I don't think there will ever be possible to turn this into a working algorithm - a block of code. We are all individuals who do not act alike, but our society defines us as a teamworking species, using the same protocols. Therein lies the problem, what happens when a individual is born with a different protocol, how do you connect to the world wide web of intimacy without an IP-Adress?

Of course, you can always try to change, fake your own IP-Adress, but that would be the same as trying to learn to Urdu, and convince yourself that its your native language. For those of us who have this problem, fulfilling the everlasting need of intimacy is pure luck.
As long as nothing is happening you start to feel every muscle in your body aching to be used, to be touched, but at the same time you start to get afraid of the same thing - you become your own paradox.

The solution is to do something you can't accomplish. Its like locking your carkeys inside the car, the only way to get to your keys, is to use them to unlock the door.
I find myself in this situation, only I know I will eventually learn how to decipher the unfamiliar protocol through time, and brute force. Not unlike the carkey situation, you know if you try long enough you will eventually pick the doorlock and get to the keys, but the question is, do you have the time to wait that long?
Now its time to introduce luck - a friend who helps you, a service station who opens the door, or you just find yourself lucky enough that the trunk was open and climb into the car that way.

Ask anyone who has ever found someone they match seamlessly perfectly with, how they did it - 9/10 will answer some random occation, or a long string of happenings that eventually turned out the right way.
Each day, you have the potential to make a lifechanging connection, everything that happens, every person you meet, every word you say, is a choice. Each choice has its own path, which path is the right one?

What would my life be if I hadn't chosen this school, if I hadn't gotten a certain job, if I were sick that day..etc.. Just one minor change is enough to alter your life forever.
We as humans - persons, individuals are never better than our own experiences, tell a person not to drink and drive, and it won't have any effect. But let the same person experience death as a result of drinking and driving, and he will never do it again.

Try to recall a big happening in your life, and then redraw everything that happened at exactly that crossroad, make a list of atleast 10 different choices you could have made up until that moment. How many of those paths do you think would have given you exactly the right level of experience to make the same choice you made?
The possibilites are endless and the answers are infinite.

"....to boldy go where no man has ever gone before".

My new key to happiness, is to meditate my heart and soul, to always look for uncharted territory and walk straight into it with my head up high. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

"....space, the final frontier".

-Øyvind.

One small step for me, one giant leap for my self-righteousness!

2006-08-02T02:02:00.000+02:00

37 years ago the world stood still, watching one of the biggest dreams of mankind come true, we as small peasants in the universe had flown through space and landed on a round ball of cheese.
When Neil Armstrong took those first steps onto the mold surface, his first sentence reached immortality. "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind".
The milestone finally was reached, successfully a living breathing human of flesh and blood was walking on a surface other than our home planet. What an exhilarating feeling of freedom, a sure rush of blood to the head, screams of joy and simultaneously outbursts of WOW! echoing all over the world. This is the feeling I got today, when I walked into the place I will be living in - alone for the first time in my life.

As of today I have finally reached one of the biggest goals in the early years of human western civilized life, to obtain a place of your own, outside of the home you grew up in, where you have full control of yourself, no matter how free you were at your previous home. This is pure freedom, no one telling you when to do this, and when to do that. No one watching over your moves, and complaining when things are not done properly, its all up to you - if you want to live in a mess, do it. If you want to wake up in a pool of shit - do it. But at the same time, no one's gonna clean up after your mistakes or make dinner. And thats the beauty of it - now its all up to you, and no one can say you get anything for free, or look down on you for allegedly taking the easy way out.

Truth to be told for me personally, this is equally of symbolic value as of physical value, I have long been living my own life at home, helping out with bills and not riding any easy way out, this makes the transition economically not visible, which is all the more positive, since I only have things to gain, and no downsides. A few of my friends have had a hard time doing this, just because of the financial side of it, and ending up making their parents help them out, either by paying rent or providing other means of "survival", like digital satellite and an Internet connection.

In my opinion these kinds of helping hands only make it worse for their grown up child, not letting them go, the way they should. After you've reached a certain age as I have, its pivotal to be able to care for yourself alone, there may be situations like unemployment and such forcing you to go back to your parents home for a while, but that shouldn't be a part of the plan. That should only function as a backup, so that you know you need to be able to handle all sides of life on your own to the full extent. And most importantly, knowing how to spend money - and not rely on help from relatives after you've spent all your rent money on parties and games.

Atleast thats my point of view on the subject, seems like this post went a little out of subject, but I had to get it off my mind. Anyways I will be moving to my new home in about two weeks, its not that big and I have to share kitchen and bathroom/shower with 4 other students, but its very cheap, especially since electricity and a fast Internet connection from the school is included in the rent.
Lucky for me the room comes with furniture, making it easy for me to move, basically if it hadn't been, I'm not sure I would have been able to move, atleast not so fast. I've been broke for a whole month now, and having to buy a new bed, office chair, closet etc.. in addition to books and other necessities to study, would seem impossible. It might have worked out with a lot of private loans and troublesome deals, but this way I don't even have to think about it, and I appreciate that fact very much.

Even though I'll eventually have to solve that problem, its much easier to be able to postpone that until I've got a decent job and not relying all my fundings on student loans, which is relatively small for anything other than rent and food.
Now, all I need to do is become friends with the students I'm sharing facilities with, and I'm all set to go for an exciting year of studying!

P.S
Hopefully, I don't end up naked and drunk in far away places too often - according to student stories, that is bound to happen at one time or another.

-Øyvind

Emu-Stalgia

2006-07-24T03:55:00.000+02:00

Someone once said that obtaining the best orgasm in the world, don't add up as the best feeling in the world, the universe - to those people that feeling is known as Nirvana. Where your mind is all at ease and you are at the top of everything - no worries, no bad karma. Well, I just found something better, its name is 'EMU-STALGIA'.

When you reach a state of EMU-STALGIA your body starts to overflow with energy, you might even get the shivers. All you can think of is to scream, but you can't get it out, because it isn't enough, a scream of joy will only do so little, so for a moment the only thing you can do is jump up and down waving your arms (like you don't care...). Now you may wonder how do thee reach this euphoric state of mind?
This is where the hard part starts, its very individual, and everything has to be set for this to happen, and you can't plan it, that will ruin the feeling and you will only feel "Fake-Stalgic". Which is like having sex with your girlfriend and screwing a whore, two whole different things, but in the same ballpark. The only way I can hope to explain how to be one of the select few to experience this, is to tell the tale of how it happened to me.

A long, long time ago in a gal.....err, in my room. I had an old playstation 1, this was one of my beloved belongings and its laser was running hot, providing me with audio-visual fun for endless hours. But a few years down the road, the unthinkable happened, I started to get busy doing other things, and eventually my electronic lover went missing. Back in those days I used to own and cherish a beautiful game called Xenogears, made by the geniuses at Squaresoft. The game is a top notch RPG (Role Playing Game), its so good that it resides up there with Final Fantasy VII and Chrono Trigger. I played this game for countless hours, living the story, dreaming about the characters and floating around to the incredible music. Its one my most favourite games, in fact to me its more than a game, a game is something you play and forget, Xenogears is something you experience, a ride you want to last forever.

Eventually I finished Xenogears, and it got laid away, while I was playing other games, like Final Fantasy VIII. A while after my PSX went missing, I got the nag to find it back, and once again enter the world of Xenogears. But it was nowhere to be found, its been missing for over four years now and still counting.
This meant that I couldn't play the game, I couldn't play it on my PS2 either, since my version of Xenogears was NTSC, and my PS2 PAL. With a sad look on my face I acknowledged the fact that I won't be able to play it, and the game itself went missing. Meanwhile I soothed myself by entering the world of Final Fantasy X (by now you've probably made the correct assumption that I have a great love for the FF series too).
Anyways, a few years ago I found a copy of Xenogears on the net, and tried it on two psx emulators, but I couldn't make it work, after all an emulator still is only a emulator and not the real thing, so not every game will work. Once again I had to realize I might not ever get another opportunity to explore the world of Xenogears.

That was until a few days ago, I got in a discussion with a friend about the wonderful games that Square made before, about how good those old classics were, and that Square's been losing grip on its once godlike games. I told him about my affection for Xenogears and my struggles with getting to play it again. He then mentioned this wonderful new emulator, making it possible to play all those old classics, being filled with the painful experience I had the last time I tried using an emulator, I was skeptical to the whole ordeal. But seeing hope that I might get to play Xenogears again, I gave it a shot, and boy am I glad I did it. It worked on the first try, and unleashed the EMU-STALGIA! I was totally overwhelmed by the nostalgic feeling combined with the amazing feeling of just playing the game again, and on top of that I screamed out my love for ePSXe, the emulator that made all this possible. I immediately started jumping around making weird noises, I didn't knew where to turn or what to do, completely controlled by this state of mind. After first shaking uncontrollably for a while, I managed to calm myself down enough to play a little while, until I got another fit, that continued for the rest of the day, if this isn't pure excitement I don't know what is.

I hope everyone of you get to experience EMU-STALGIA atleast once in your life, after reading this you all know how hard it is to achieve, and that its all about random occurences and chain of events. But if you have something lost in the past you were passionate about, a game, a song or something you can't find, start exploring every possible way to find it back, you just might be lucky enough to experience EMU-STALGIA. Most of you also would have noticed that Emu-Stalgic is a combination of the words Emulator and Nostalgic, I just don't find the usage of the word nostalgic justifiable to the feeling, because it is no way near the actual power that lies within the ecstatic universe of pure EMU-STALGIA!

But, now I got to hurry back to reality, I have to walk through a desert and reach Aveh before the end of the day, in my beautiful Gear, Weltall <3.

"Live life like its meant to be, naked in cyberspace."
-Øyvind.

Rocky: An inspirational epitome.

2006-07-18T01:49:00.000+02:00

Last week I watched the first Rocky movie from 1976, the movie that launched a struggling 30-year old Sylvester Stallone into stardom. It changed his life and saved him from bankrupty, its been said that he only had 130 dollars on his bank account the day the green light for the Rocky project was given. But this movie is about much more than sending one individual into stardom. Its all about showing that everyone has a chance, that not everything is lost if you haven't had success right from the start. That if you keep on fighting, keep on believing in your talent, you might get there someday. The world is all in all based on random occurences, take a moment and think about your own life, and think about how it all fits together, how many times you've had a lucky bounce thats changed your life. You know, those job related things for example, where you just take a trip to the mall, and run into an old friend of yours, who happens to know of a guy who got a job opening. You get the job, works there for several years, and eventually bumps into your future wife on a business conference. Its all about these little things, those things that matter, its not about getting one big check, but the way you got there.

Now back to the movie, I'm sure most people have watched it or heard about it, but I'll include a brief summary. Its about a middleaged club fighter, who's struggled all his life, the only way for him to make living is to collect money from a loan shark, and winning underground boxing matches. Meanwhile the heavyweight champion of the world is planning to defend his title against the number 2 ranked fighter, but his opponent gets ill and have to withdraw. The fight is supposed to happen on the fourth of July in Philadelphia, our main guy Rocky Balboa's hometown. And not wanting to lose the publicity the Champion named Apollo Creed uses Rocky
as a way to boost the fight - "Apollo gives local fighter a shot at the title". Now he thinks this is gonna be a easy win. But Rocky sees this as an opportunity to redeem himself, to make his life mean something, he dedicates himself to do whatever it takes to 'go the distance', to survive all 15 rounds, no one has done that against the champ before. And in that way becoming a respected man, to have something to look back on.

This is the pivotal moment of the whole picture, in the end he goes the distance, but the match ends with Apollo retaining his title with two judges split and the third judge going in favor of Apollo, but the whole point is the last few seconds of the movie. Rocky doesn't care about if he has won or lost the match, the only thing he cares about is that he went the distance and screams out "ADRIAN ADRIAN I DID IT", Adrian being his girlfriend. Its hard to explain the feeling you get as you watch it, but after its done, you think you can do anything.
You want to do something, to finish a task you haven't finished before, or postponed, to show to yourself that you can do it, you just have to make up your mind and go through the hard work, and in the end come up on top.

The energy is unexplainable, in my world I had a big room that needed to be cleaned up, a really messed up one, which takes a lot of hours to clean up good. And not just throw some stuff out and there, but I have to sort all the items up and put in good places. This is something I've postponed for years, but after watching Rocky I felt really determined to do it, and started right away the next morning. I'm not finished yet, but often the hardest part is to start something, now all I have to do is finish the job.

Thank you, Rocky Balboa!

Welcome

2006-07-17T22:19:00.000+02:00

This is my first attempt at a blog, and I'm excited to see how it goes. I'm not gonna promise anything concerning regular updates, but I will promise that its content will be filled with ramblings full of nonsense and offending material. Because all in all thats me. Hope you have a pleasant stay, and be sure to comment on my postings often. Oh, btw, to my English speaking visitors, I must warn you that not all of my posts will be in English, but I hope to write most of them in English (depending on what the content is and how lazy I am).